Dear Stacy and Clinton,

I need your help. You see, I grew up in Canada, and although we do have summer in Canada and it gets pretty warm, most of the year is mild or cold. I’m really good at dressing for cold weather. The problem is, I married a man who loves the heat. Loves it! Once the mercury rises above 85 F and stays there his whole mood improves, he enjoys the sensation of sweating while sitting still, he likes humid stick to your skin temperatures. Last year he moved us from my beloved Canada with it’s pretty trees and cool breezes and cold mountain lakes to Southern California with it’s palm trees, and Santa Ana, and dry desert. He talks of moving us to places hotter still, like Florida and Thailand. Oh and did I mention that he hates air conditioning, he will drive through the desert in July with the windows open. That’s his idea of keeping things comfortable in 100 plus heat. My problem is that I really dislike the heat, and sweating at all, let alone while sitting still. In fact, sweat is the primary mental block I have to get past in order to exercise, I think, “I should exercise, but then I’ll be all sweaty, I don’t like being sweaty, but I don’t like being fat, if I’m less fat I won’t sweat as much, I guess I’ll exercise.”

Last summer I was pregnant, and it was hot, it was record breaking hot, it was miserable, hazy blacktop, thick still air that presses against your body and face and suffocates you and makes you feel like you are trapped hot. I spent most of the summer fantasizing about how I could leave the man that I love very dearly in order to move somewhere cooler to escape the trapped feeling that had me laying sobbing on my in-laws floor in the closet, body pressed into the not quite cool but not as hot as every where else floor. I spent as much time in the swimming pool as possible and dressed over my wet swimsuit to feel cooler, I was not a fashionable girl at all.

So here’s the thing Stacy and Clinton, summer is here again, it’s starting to get hot, and I don’t want to be miserable again. I have gradually become aware that there is an art to dressing for the heat that I lack. I’m really good at dressing for cold where you can always put on another sweater, I’m not sure what to do when I get down to one layer of clothing and I’m still very uncomfortable because naked doesn’t seem to be an option around here. I’m not a good candidate for tank tops or sundresses, I need to wear bras and nursing bras look especially frumpy sticking out under tank tops. I spend the whole summer looking disheveled and messy. Not a very attractive look I assure you and my husband generally prefers it if I look more classy than trashy.

Please Stacy and Clinton give me $5000 dollars and help me to shop for warm weather clothes that I can feel comfortable and look good in. I need you to teach me how to dress for the heat so that I don’t some day snap and divorce my husband just because I can’t live in the same climate as him or he gets tired of my dishevelled and sticky appearance and goes somewhere very hot without me. (I kid, for all those who worry when I kid like that.)

Sincerely,
Carrien

PS. Just in case you fail to be moved by my distress, I’m hoping that some of my blogging friends that live in warmer climes may have some advice as well.