Dilemma

By Carrien Bluemiscarriage, story of my life

I don’t know what to do with it.

For some reason I didn’t throw it away. Normally I do. Somehow I felt the need to keep it around. It didn’t feel quite real that I was pregnant again. Maybe. Whatever the reason, I still have it. It rattles from one place to the next. Usually turning up when I am cleaning or need to take it out of Little’s hand, again, and put it somewhere out of reach.

I have no where to put it. I mean, it’s a chemical reaction on a strip of urine soaked fiber. Doesn’t exactly fit in the memento box.

But it feels wrong to throw it away, like if I do it will be like Shiloh never existed. Already I go days at a time without really remembering. Or at least, the memory is no longer a fresh and aching wound. More like a scar that doesn’t hurt anymore, and I only remember when I catch a glimpse of it.

I know this is silly. Of course I was pregnant. And now I am not.

And I have this,
the tiny box the GH made to put Shiloh’s remains into,

and this,
to remember by.

So why can’t I throw this away?

all content © Carrien Blue

4 thoughts on “Dilemma”

  1. I think you are absolutely right to keep it for as long as you have need. Why not wrap it in some tissue paper and find a little box in which to keep it?

    You asked why but I ask why is it Not important to keep? In my understanding, there aren't any rules for this sort of thing, because it is of and from the heart.

  2. Like Maura said, you're asking why keep it – but maybe the question is why NOT keep it?
    It's obviously something important to you. Isn't that enough? I'm sure if you showed up at my house and looked through some of my mementos, your response would be "WTF???" – because we all hang on to what we need to.
    Find a little box, or something to put it in, and allow yourself to keep it (out of the hands of little ones) until you no longer feel the need to. And if that never happens? Then you keeping it didn't hurt anyone.

  3. I would say that you need it to have a concrete validation that Shiloh did exist, the box and the beautiful stone are all items to do with Shiloh's passing, not that Shiloh existed……it is VERY important…..when I look back to 30 yrs ago when it happened to me, I wish now that I had something like that…..Validation.

  4. I think you are absolutely right to keep it for as long as you have need. Why not wrap it in some tissue paper and find a little box in which to keep it?

    You asked why but I ask why is it Not important to keep? In my understanding, there aren't any rules for this sort of thing, because it is of and from the heart.

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