Drink the Vodka, PLEASE!

For the past two nights I’ve been trying to get my two year old to drink Vodka, so far no luck. She’s in the final stages of teething; her very back molars are coming in on the bottom, and maybe the top one as well. So that’s at least two at once. She wakes up crying, and sleepy, and in pain, and I want to help.

I am grossly under prepared for a teething emergency, I have no children’s Tylenol, I have none of my surefire homeopathic remedy, but I do have good quality Vodka. We have used such remedies before around here, in a dropper for the little tiny people, because its actually cleaner and has fewer chemicals than in Tylenol in terms of what goes into their little bodies, Tylenol has worked but in the end it seems that a pure distilled alcohol, in little doses, works better. They go to sleep, and they stop feeling the wrath of the tiny teeth finally breaking free.

So when she woke up two nights ago, inconsolable and in pain, I tried the regular ways of soothing her back to sleep. I sang, I rubbed her back, I held her. She continued screaming. I mentally kicked myself for not having any Chamomila on hand, because I really do prefer the homeopathic remedy to the distilled one, but I don’t have any in the cupboard and the child she is screaming.

I told her I was going to get her a drink to try and help her feel better, and emerged form the bedroom, making a beeline for the liquor cabinet. (Okay, our liquor cabinet is actually the really high cupboard above the fridge that its impossible for a four year old to climb into. That’s where the really good dark chocolate lives also.) The Genius Husband picked up on my train of thought immediately, and asked, “What are you going to give her?”

I haven’t had a grown-up drink in several months and am therefore unfamiliar with the non-chocolate side of the cupboard.

“I don’t know,” I respond, “What do we have?”

This is all to the accompaniment of wails and screams drifting out of the bedroom.

His immediate response, “Use the Vodka, it’s the cleanest, and it’s already cold.”

We take it from the freezer, pour a tiny bit into a glass and I take it to the bedroom as he follows me explaining, “I want to watch.”

After all, it isn’t every day that your baby girl takes a hit of Vodka straight for the very first time.

We hand her the glass and she immediately screams, “NO, I DON”T WANT A DRINK,“ and continues the screaming. We coax, we cajole, but she is having none of this “Drink that will help her to feel better and go to sleep” nonsense. Finally, I resort to the trick that has almost always worked once they can understand words. I give them “the choice”.

“Mommy and daddy are trying to help you, we don’t want you to have owwies, this drink will help them to feel better and help you to go back to sleep. Would you like to drink it, and let us help you, or are you going to stop crying now and go back to sleep without it.”

I seriously thought she was going to pick the drink, I would. Instead she sniffs, “NO, I don’t want you to help me.”

Then she stops crying, rolls over on her bed, and goes back to sleep within a couple of minutes. I’m not worried about peer pressure with this child, no way; she knows what she wants and has the will to back it up.

I forgot all about it today, didn’t even think of getting Chamomila in case it happened again, until 11:30pm when the screaming started again. This time I tried putting it in juice, mango juice. She said she would drink it in juice, but as soon as the cup was in her hand she refused to drink it, and lay down and went to sleep again. This time she woke up again 10 minutes later screaming for water, but no juice. It may be a long night.