Baby Blues

It’s been awhile I should post something.

I wrote something last Thursday night and I didn’t post it because some rational part of my brain was telling me that maybe I should wait a little bit and reread before showing that one to people. The reason emerged the next day. I was in the throes of PMS when I wrote it. I’m still surprised and knocked sideways every month by this hormonal rollercoaster that sneaks up on me. Sneaks because I am kind of new to this monthly cycle thing after two babies and breast feeding, I went almost four years without one and didn’t start again until just recently. I feel like I’m 14 again.

I guess it’s time to have another baby.

We haven’t yet because although I’ve reached the point where the whole misery of 9 months of sickness and a year of recovery afterward are just a hazy sentimental blur, my genius husband’s memories of me being moody and sad and bitchy and needy and then dealing with post partum depression after the last one have not become fond memories yet or even a little bit hazy for him. He said recently that he likes me again and he would like me to not change for a little while longer. Me too quite honestly. I just have some kind of hope that maybe it won’t be as bad this time. What were the first times for if not to gain experience for making the next time go more smoothly? The cure for post-partum that I finally found: exercise, the endorphins bring things back into balance for me. The cure for the early pregnant months of sick and tired and weepy might be having a place that is mine for once, instead of my mil’s house living in her spare room, or at my father’s house. (This is still theory, but I would like to try.) We have always seemed to be in transition in the early months of my pregnancies, either on a break from school, or changing countries, or something. I think I could deal better if we were more settled. And didn’t have to cook in a kitchen filled with unfamiliar and sometimes unpleasant smells and food, and smelling 8 different breakfasts in progress when I wake up every day.

So really I am overly optimistic, and he is pessimistic with a huge dose of data to back up what he would call “merely observing what actually has happened to date”. But we are agreed that our family is not all here yet and at some point we will have to put that all aside and once again welcome into our lives new life with all of the inconvenience that entails. I wonder if there will be another moment when we just know it’s time, or if we should just go ahead and do it because now is as good a time as any. I kind of want/am waiting for a moment. I wonder if it will happen.